


I have filled this void with things unreal

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-30
Updated: 2012-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-11 00:56:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's all he has and he won't let go. </p><p>For the Great Blind Sassy Exchange 2012 prompt:</p><p>Sam cares for Castiel and does not leave his side while he battles his hallucinations after shifting Sam’s illness to himself. Sam won’t leave him behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I have filled this void with things unreal

There's guilt here, between the crisp white sheets stained in illness and Dean's voice -- _Come on, Sam. There's nothing we can do now. Just keep going. Keep moving._ It's in all the ways Sam strokes Cas's hair in the dark, when everything is quiet except nonsense words and whines and _no, go away, please._ He's pale and tired and his eyes track movement of someone unseen, but Sam _knows._ He knows the devil and his tricks, his particular brand of pain. He wonders if it's even Lucifer that Cas is seeing, or something worse, something -- _leviathans eating at heavenly grace, fallen brothers, guiltguiltguilt_ \-- he can only understand. 

 

He whimpers and whines and curls in on himself, away from Sam, hugging knees to chest something unseen but full of pain and hoping it would just _end_ and it's only been hours but Sam _knows._ He knows and hates it and reaches to touch, to calm, to do _something_ useful besides praying to dead angels and absent Fathers, but Cas jumps and twists away like it burns -- _please, stop, forgive me for I have sinned._

__

"Cas, it's me. It's Sam. I'm here, follow my voice. Nothing can hurt you here." Sam begs, sitting on the edge of his bed, reaching slow and steady for contact to comfort and soothe. "I'm not leaving." His eyes keep tracking, back and forth, a counterpoint against the to and fro of his hallucinations. "You did this to me and for me and goddamn it, Cas, what were you thinking. Then. And now. This isn't how it should have ended. This isn't how it's _going_ to end. We'll fix you. I promise."

 

He shouldn't promise, knowing what he knows about fate, but he does, because it's all he has now. Sam and Dean and Cas and promises they can never ever keep because it's always the end of the world and the end doesn't care about your petty promises. He sighs and reaches until skin on skin and hand in hand and Cas's eyes stop. A pause and a shaky breath, a lucid shift and Sam knows he's seeing between the cracks. 

 

"Look at me, Cas." He does and it's far off but he's there. Sam smiles quick and reassuring, tightening his grip. "Do you see me, Cas?" He nods and it's short and precise and stiff, but there and that's all Sam can ask for. He smiles broader, a flash of teeth and a small wince when Cas holds tighter and tighter to his hand, bringing it close to his chest, uncurling knees and sliding closer. Sam turns best he can while being keeping contact until he's laying next to Cas, face to face, legs wrapped in legs and hand in hand and Cas keeps looking, seeing him but not. Knowing that Sam's there, but not believing. "It's okay. I'm here."

 

Cas nods, curls close to Sam's chest and sighs, shaky and pained and disbelieving -- _I'm so sorry --_ , holding on to an anchor and Sam holds him and prays -- _for Dean and Cas and Bobby, God rest his soul, for himself_ \-- to every being that will listen and some that won't because it's all he has and he won't let go. 


End file.
